Couch, Couch hota hai

Said the producer with a lascivious leer, "Remember this formula, my dear. If you hanker for fame In the Bollywood game, Only the sofa can bring you so-near."
Couches have been getting a bad press recently. Rajat (''Adalat'') Sharma can''t help being judgmental, but only babes in the Bollywood will be surprised by the favours demanded and allegations made by Shakti Kapoor.Everyone else has yawned in boredom, and asked ''What''s newde?''
The moral brigade has jumped on to its high horse and galloped at full charge. The industry has closed ranks, and opened its wounded heart. Every major actor has delivered an opinion, and every bit player has taken an even bigger bite. Some say that it''s time to ensure that the starry-eyed do not fall into the black hole of exploitation; others say that pillorying poor Kapoor is merely shooting the messenger; many more say that TRP is usually spelt t-r-i-p. However, there''s one consensus on this pathetic episode. Everyone agrees: ''That''s entertainment.''
The actor thought he got a deal; the reporter got her story; India TV got instant fame, and with exemplary generosity, spread the goodies to the entire media in the form of a stretchable scandal. Professional quote-hangers brushed up their pants-down sound-bites; the chatterati and the batterati alike got a prolonged subject of titillating indignation. So who''s complaining?
From where I sit, it looks like the principal aggrieved party is the couch. Ouch! It has been maliciously accused of being Chief Witness, Co-respondent, Accessory No 1, and lumpy to boot. The Association of Assorted Sofas should certainly spring to its defence.
The Indian Medical Association also has a case. Any court of law would uphold as defamatory the tendency to describe clandestine operations in all spheres as "doctored". It''s injurious to wealth.
Women''s bodies, which can squeeze a gripe out of any scenario, can legitimately dust up their standard ''sex object'' protest. But, victim is as victim thinks. So, here''s my gratuitous advice: Re-cast the couch - no longer as someone else''s weapon, but as your own tool. The wannabe actor should project herself as the empowered dispenser of favours rather than the helpless seeker thereof. Get on top of the situation, baby. Played consummately, it could be the prize-winning roll of your life.
As for the named culprits, Rajat Sharma should assault them with this battery of questions:
Emoting is an important skill; but do you really have to test out a touchy-feely performance?
When actors crouch at the starting line, is the conventional command, ''Get settee, go!''?
Can this deplorable practice be described as ''Casting girls before swine''?
Should the reporter have been better labelled an ''under-the-covers agent''?
And, should an agenda-less relationship now carry the caveat, ''No stings attached''?
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Alec Smart said, "Is Musharraf coming to watch cricket, or to deliver another googly?"
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